Ode to the New Year – 2015

For better or for worse, it’s another year full of new promises to make and old ones to break. You know the ones…starting a new gym membership at Equinox instead of Planet Fitness, hoping it was the fellow members, not your lack of self-motivation, that kept you away; ditching the significant other that didn’t get you, knowing the next one wont either; finding that new job to justify your TriBeCa address instead of Queens where your colleagues live; so, it begins with me…another new list of books to read – 36; blogs to post – 24; women to meet – 6; and on and on…but at year’s end, I would have read less than 20 novels, penned barely a dozen blogs but will exceed the women meet-up total, no thanks to Tinder and Happn (not a typo) for making it too easy for us hopeless singles. (topic for another post, readers – so stay tuned)

The beginning of the New Year also witnessed the extreme exercise of cautiousness in governing when New York City was shut down for a non-historic blizzard. Friends, only a few inches stopped the most fabulous metropolis in the world from functioning because spineless politicians decided to ban cars on the streets, and more critically, stop all train service; something that has not happened in New York City for over a century. New Yorkers could not parade their badge of resiliency that cold winter night and we have our elected officials to thank (and my only saving grace is that I didn’t cast a vote for one of them).  Just a week prior, us Democrats were beaming brightly despite our legislative defeat in the last election because President Obama stood tall at the State of the Union address and ditched out a political agenda of progressive social programs and tax reforms.  He was vintage Barack, reminding the others who won the last two presidential elections; that the economy is growing again and unemployment is down. Here we have it, the first month of the year in political terms maybe a sign of what is to come in the days ahead, many moments of ineffective governing together with fleeting moments of exaltation.

Like a tea kettle boiling water, my 2015 is building up without a whistle as all I have done is rebuilt a walk-in closet (thank you, Container Store for your free design); nor was there a whistle for a lady I met from another continent which didn’t feel right and now dating someone further away (again, material for a future post).  On the international front, I was torn inside by the tragic loss of French journalists and other victims who were gunned down by terrorist with their false cause; and closer to home, it angered me that a troubled thug executed two NYPD patrol cops in the name of social justice for victims of police abuse. It’s disturbing that these two tragedies occurred early in the New Year and even more troubling that the use of arms is the weapon of choice to seek justice.  Unfortunately, passions are too inflamed for intelligent conversations on this issue; many are blaming others instead of themselves for not taking a stand to voice outrage for crimes against humanity.  For now, I am NYPD as well as Je suis Charlie.

So on this last day of the first month of the New Year, I have a strong sense where I want to go and what I want to be.  It may not be the year for that million dollar bank account but there will be some achievable, more significant, events. I’m not referring to resolutions, to-do lists, new exercise fads, a wardrobe makeover or even a new attitude change.  No, I am referring to events like a recovery from a midlife crisis and understanding why it happened and taking steps not to repeat it…(social translation to you younger readers: it’s something like reaching the legal drinking age and handling it with maturity; and for those experiencing puberty, maybe it’s the age you first had sex and doing it responsibly)…In my many years, I have been shaped by numerous significant events from a failed marriage to my young brother’s death to attaining professional credentials…and will continue to evolve which may include another attempt at marriage, embrace causes to preserve life and inspire greatness within – by acting more wisely – thinking deeply – and searching with clearer purpose.  This shall be the ode to me and 2015.


To Go or Not to Go: A Weekend trip to Ferguson…

Temperature hit the 80s on that Saturday afternoon on August 9th when 18-year old Michael Brown, an African-American, was shot dead by a white police officer.  All the facts regarding this incident have yet to emerge to determine fault, but it is clear that the increasing high 90 degree temperatures this week, together with the heated passion of Ferguson residents suggest that cooler heads will have to wait their turn.  To start, Ferguson is a small town of approximately 21,000 people with about thirty percent whites and almost seventy percent blacks; similar to the apartheid conditions in old South Africa, Ferguson’s small minority governs the majority people; as the mayor and five out of the six council seat members are white; whether a self-imposed disenfranchisement or deliberate design of voter suppression, something is terribly wrong here. Looking at other stats like the poverty line where almost twenty percent of the town’s population falls below; an unemployment rate which rises above thirteen percent overall and much higher for young black men.  These numbers tell a tale of economic disparity in this Missouri suburb, a setting ripe for racial conflict; and so, a police encounter with a black teen that ends in death defines Ferguson.  What happened next is now recent history, people marched the streets; the protesters were majority black confronted by a white police force controlled by the minority; they shot rubber bullets and threw gas canisters, creating chaos and panic to quiet the masses.

In 2014, this imagery is unAmerican and makes Obama appear disengaged with the signature civil rights issue of this era; his presidency promotes American exceptional-ism. But are we exceptional when we repeatedly fail our vulnerable population? Even tyrannically-inclined nations poke fun at us. Russia, Egypt and China have done worse but they know when to call us out.

I wake up the next day wondering what if the Ferguson protesters were majority white – the Occupy Wall Street movement folks – would the police use bullets and tear gas. The Wall Street protesters caused property damage and resisted police orders for months but a violence response was averted; could it be that the children of the privileged group, those who have the ears of the authority, who reached out to their friends in high places, demanding (not pleading for) police restraint when engaging their kids; mission accomplished as their children’s fairytale social protest is violent-free.

Not too long ago, another Black teen, Trayvon, was tragically killed under the color of law; and like many other New Yorkers I sat on the sideline while Floridians protested. I wore my “Black Dog” hoodie to express muted outrage of my fraternal loss. This fashion-less act did not symbolize outrage.  Celebrities and politicians wore their hoodies in response to those who said Trayvon appeared threatening because he wore one the rainy night when he was killed by the volunteer patrolman.

Two years ago, I remained on the sideline plotting a path to show support for the Trayvon movement but, instead, settled to reading news feeds on my smart phone.  And now once again I’m back at it, surfing Kayak for weekend fares to Ferguson so I can march with local residents; or should I simply pen a WordPress blog post. (Hint hint) By the time my indecisiveness take a firm stance, the news cameras will be gone, off to the next news headline, and a community abandoned once again; perhaps that’s the time for my arrival, when the national spotlight is gone, providing support without the appearance of an agenda.

It wasn’t always this difficult for me to define my role in a civil right moment.  In the 90s, I was a student activist on the frontline, protesting the heinous assault against Abner Louima, a Haitian immigrant who suffered a brutal sodomizing attack in a NYPD police precinct bathroom.  (Google for additional details, readers)  We marched the streets of Brooklyn and Manhattan, halting traffic both ways on the Brooklyn Bridge one afternoon, to voice our outrage; the earlier crowds were mainly people of color but others began to join in, including elders, parents and children took off from work and school as no one with a tad bit of conscious could tolerate such inhumanity from those empowered to protect our streets. Ultimately, we achieved some justice, a 30-year prison sentence for the offending police officer; though, police reforms such as creating an independent body to investigate police incidents, never materialized; and so the brutality continued in New York City and many more black men were killed, including Amadou Diallo, Patrick Dorismond, Sean Bell, and most recently, Eric Garner; these black men who did not possess weapons, nor had a prior criminal record, except for a misdemeanor blemish, the latter which many white men have but none died from a firing squad or a deadly chokehold by NYPD cops. It’s no wonder that when a Trayvon or Brown tragedy happens that many of us black men, regardless of our economic or social standing, feel a kindred bond to take up arms, whether metal ones like coins or the digital types like internet blogs, to finance and defend our fellow Americans on the frontline.

I would have liked to be with the people protesting loudly the freedom songs and chanting the lyrical slogan “Hands up. Don’t shoot!”  I would exchange that live experience over the one that I have now, the daily drudgery of eyes glued to a computer screen;  but, I am not a civil rights leader with a travel budget to be present at the leading social justice event of today; nor, am I a trust fund child who can easily forgo other life obligations to stand a few rows behind the Sharptons; plus, I don’t wish to be blamed as the out-of-town troublemaker causing the violence, as some Missourian commentators have alleged, pointing fingers at Californians and New Yorkers. And so, I will not journey Midwest this season; instead, my voice will be heard right here.

The Uncle Tom in My Family

Uncle Tomas was the youngest, the attention seeker, of the three brothers but also the least attractive, resembling J.J. of Good Times, with false teeth, losing his real ones when he jumped out of a third-floor apartment window to escape a burning building; the new set of teeth did not keep him from laughing and being the talker, the boaster, in the family; he would argue about everything from who’s the best athlete (Bird over Magic) to presidential elections, usually siding with the Republicans; he was secure in his abilities and believed that hard work would get him places and it did. It took a while, tho. Not gaining admission to a U.S. medical school, he drove a yellow cab for a year or two to finance his medical education in Colombia, a place where he also met his future wife, a woman with looks, in his own words, that would not attract adulterous men. Only a man with deep rooted insecurities would give such thoughts on marriage. Despite his ambitions and book smarts, Tomas contextualized important life decisions through a racial lens, undervaluing his self worth along the way. It took him about six years to achieve the American dream and he was no longer Uncle Tomas, he was now Doctor Tomas. 

“Oh, I see one. And here’s another! Ooooooh this is great!!” said Uncle Tomas in glee referring to the white folks strolling through this gentrified tree-lined block in Bedford Stuyvesant. He was surveying a brownstone in the Stuyvesant Heights section of this neighborhood with historical landmark designation. As Blacks crossed his path during our walk, he became less enthused and scanned them up and down to see if they were the right kind of blacks that would not scare away the whites that were moving in droves to the area. “You see, Jay” Tomas whispered to avoid others from hearing his racially charged views. “The only way to preserve this investment is to make sure more of them keep coming here.” He continues. “So we must give them what they want in this brownstone; give them exposed bricks, fireplace, stainless steel appliances, new hardwood floors. We’ll give them everything. We need them. Our property will be safe with them. They will pay more rent. So let’s do this deal.”

With his medical license in hand, Dr. Tomas was in a rush to leave Brooklyn. “I am not gonna live with these people who want to rob me and take my hard earned dollar.” He said, referring to his neighbors in East Flatbush, a crime-infested Brooklyn neighborhood where many honest working-class Caribbean and American Blacks reside. “I’m gonna buy my house on Long Island.” He added, some sort of affirmation that he has arrived, that he’s earned a one-way ticket out of the black and brown hood, a move that would validate his newfound status; he wanted to live among whites, regardless of their economic or professional status.

He viewed white skin in a multiracial country as a status in itself; this is not a view limited to my Uncle Tomas; it is a recurring immigrant theme that I have seen firsthand, overheard in back office chatter and read in journals and news articles. Koreans don’t want to live with blacks but they will dry clean their dirty clothes in black neighborhoods. Same with the Dominicans, they will operate their bodegas shielded with bullet proof plexiglass with a portal to receive black people’s money; sell them overpriced milk and food which exceeds the expiration date; but will not want us as neighbors. Arabs don’t want blacks in their leased yellow cabs to avoid driving them to nicer and pricier homes than the driver’s own residence. I have seen these slights and have experienced them, myself; these rejections reveal the falsehood that we live in a harmonious global community, the opposite of the TV images of large crowds we recently witnessed chanting USA, USA when Howard (yes, a black man) made record-making saves to keep the team from being slaughtered by Belgium. This love fest exists only for the cameras, my friends.

And so, my Non-American Black uncle takes his chances with the Bedford Stuyvesant investment but would not dare live there even with the sprinkling number of white folks who call the area home; he choose to live on Long Island with white neighbors who will not likely rob him as the crime stats are lower there than in East Flatbush; he gambles that the community will embrace him because he is different from the blacks that he left behind; that his professional credentials and well groomed children will be viewed as the good black in his neighbors’ eyes. However, Uncle Tomas fails to see that the community that he so much wants to be a part of may limit their sight to his skin color alone and that their collective soccer love fest was only a temporary bliss that won’t blind them from imagining perceived differences that don’t exist. My uncle will also be competing with the Asians, Latinos and Arabs who, too, dream to live with these same white neighbors instead of neighborhoods with black and brown people. It seems this race for community acceptance and inclusion will be measured by the degree of lightness of our skin instead of the intangible qualities that make us the exceptional people that we strive to be.

Male Friendships…The One I Struggle to Keep

It was a warm summer evening and Marcus, the quintessential and eternal middle-aged bachelor with biracial good looks, wore a light tan suit with matching silk pocket square and a multi-colored pastel ascot (an accessory that few, but he, can carry). He strode out of the building, avoiding my eye contact, to a waiting white sedan, an S Class Mercedes, no less, and I glanced over my shoulders to watch him enter this car driven by a slender Argentinian-looking woman with white linen attire and two others resembling her in the back seat, I was floored by this scene; it seemed that my grandmother, who lived in the same building, was living in the midst of James Bonds.

I had seen him a week before that day driving a heavily damaged, Yugo, not sure how it got thru U.S. customs, a subcompact car so badly wrecked that it should be garaged in a junk yard; he was down on his luck, living with his frail divorced mother but this was not evident in his attire. Neighbors in hushed voices would ask each other: who is this mysterious man? Few knew him personally as Marcus would rarely engage in small talk with anyone. He only spoke to one neighbor, Larry, only because his car broke down and he needed a ride to the city and asked him for help. It turned out that these rides would occur regularly and usually ended at Area, Paladium, Tattoo and Nell’s, the most celebrated NYC nightclubs of that era.  As he was always dressed to the nines with his jet black hair, styled slick back like Al Pacino in Godfather 2, the velvet ropes manned by obnoxious club denizens would open rapidly when he approached.  Came to find out later, that Marcus knew many of these velvet rope handlers and club owners but never revealed how he established these connections. Over time, I came to know this man, who was over a decade older than me, and tried to imitate his dress style but could never get it right as he did; we engaged in boy’s talk, mainly on women, NBA games and politics at home and abroad. And so he became a friend.

“Man, I hate this country. I need out,“ Marcus mumbles. “This job is a hell hole.  You don’t know how lucky you are, bruh…you have a profession, you own property…you don’t have to deal with my crap” he continues, referring to his city government inspection job; work that he claims has no upward mobility; co-workers he dismisses for their blue collar pedigree; supervisors he despises for reducing his overtime hours. This pessimism also spilled over to his views on women, describing them as gold diggers for judging his attractiveness strictly on the make and model of the vehicle that he owns (he doesn’t have one) and the number of digits in his bank account (barely four).  Marcus, a very proud man who is part Jewish or Italian (refuses to say which) and part Caribbean, was not always this cynical and is far from being the confident man that I first saw, over ten years ago, the 007 replica, living in my grandmother’s building. “Dude,” I said. “You need to change your attitude; this negative energy will only make you more miserable.”  I continued, knowing full well that he’s a lost case.

It is not easy to put aside friendships that, despite some personality clashes and increasing incompatibilities, endured throughout the years; they last because we need the human contact to discuss the mundane of sport highlights and celebrity gossips (yes, men do this too) to the serious matters relating to career decisions and relationship complications. Although many men, especially us silent types, can cope with minimal male friendship, something which our female counterparts can’t do without, I have come to appreciate these occasional talks and meet ups for a balanced life. In times when professional and adult life occupy the bulk of your daily routine dealing with office politics, relationship stress and economic insecurities, it’s refreshing to dial a number and hear a familiar voice on the other line to simply talk, whether it’s purposeful or not; it starts with a “wassup man” and usually followed by “did you hear about this…” and continues on to a thematic convo until we both lose steam or when the life duties call for the next shift.

Leaving this friend behind is what I struggle with today as he has changed from his earlier years of bravado and confidence; his life now is laced with cynicism and uninspired conversation; ask him about the World Cup games, he cites only the corruption of FIFA officials, the games organizers – and shows no interest in the games themselves, the header of the Flying Dutchman, the artistry of Messi and the quick demise of Spain; call him to join us at the BAM African Street festival in Fort Greene for jerk chicken and people watching, he declines and says only soulless women will be present; I won’t dare ask him about work for fear of a long tyrannical monologue about how hopeless it is. I have tried to tell him that his friends and family have shun him due to his toxic ways; that he should seek counseling for his depressive mood; that he needs to overcome his personal battles to see the positives.  I used to put aside those calls and one-on-one meet ups, thinking the occasional text was a substitute (it wasn’t), that Facebook could fill the void (it didn’t) as social media is more media than social for the few egomaniacs who dominate my newsfeed.  It’s been over two years witnessing Marcus’ decline and it’s time to let him go to maintain my own sanity and to continue a positive outlook on life.

Coming home…The Intra-racial Date with Ms. English

Crystal champagne glass in hand, long shapely legs visible, surrounded by blondes in reserved seating in this dimly lit private London nightclub, the Black English girl’s aura said certifiable diva; this is the noire Tinder pic that caught my eyes as I swiped right; we matched.  I played it kool and sent English a “hello there” message, anything more would demonstrate over eagerness.  She replied. Her first name was unusual and so I googled it and scanned through the images until I found her Linkedin profile.  English had professional credentials, the ones favored by the establishment, and was not just a pretty face. I’ve dated the model types before; lots of excitement in having a new beauty; conversation limited; a courtship to bed her is the mission until things fizzle and end as quickly as it started.

Took a few failed attempts before we finally met at Cipriani in Grand Central Station…she looked different, her hair was a dual color of black at the top and blonde at the bottom instead of the jet black look in her picture; the glowing brown tone skin was hidden behind foundation applied too thickly; and in her mouth was a shiny metal, a tongue ring; and in my mind, her diva status stumbled downward.  Not allowing my vanity to get the better of me, not looking for Ms. Goodbar, I overlook the appearance and allow the evening to take its full course.  We only had one drink at the Italian eatery and left to dine at Buddakan’s main dining room, a dated but celebrated space that has some snob appeal.

As we make our way to the meatpacking district, engaging in small talk, glancing her way, and listening to her distinctive accent, I am reminded of both our shared physical appearance and differing social experience.  She was born in the UK by a Nigerian father, who, she implied, is connected to the petroleum profiteers back home, and to a French Caribbean mother that she did not reveal much. English seemed very close to her dad and has given much thought to his encouragement to join him in Lagos but instead came to New York. Her silence regarding her mother suggested a marriage of convenience. (I won’t elaborate any further as we fellow immigrants have a sacred pact not to question each other on such matters). English attended Kensington prep school and lived in predominantly white neighborhoods…Chelsea, Notting Hill…and so all her friends were white.  I, on the other hand, arrived to the states as an infant and was raised solely by my Non-American Black mother who toiled in the 7th Ave garment factories until she rose to a position of pattern maker to a fashion designer downtown; we lived in the black areas of Crown Heights and East Flatbush Brooklyn until my late teens and all my friends were black.

English and I are both black but continents apart in our experiences; and this prompted some very random thoughts on race; flashbacks on how the social media depict us as linguistically-challenged, academically-deficient, criminally-inclined and having separatist-tendencies. I tried to snap out of it and think positive thoughts, instead, but became fixated on the few bit parts the social media carves out for the safe blacks, the Our Kind of People and Jack and Jill types (look it up readers).  As strange as it might sound, I rarely discuss race matters (except in this blog, of course) and the times that I do is to react to a news event; you know the stories, the ones about Trayvon being the norm; Obama the long exception; and the battle that we all face with Sterling. The last one ended well as Lebron and others spoke up, the SnapChat generation reacted and now Sterling is gone, a positive Hollywood ending.

“Nu Yak is still nooo tu me,” (Translate: New York is still new to me,) she said in her pronouncedly English accent as our hostess walked us down the stairs to our table.   Only three weeks removed from London life, she seemed a bit shy or even nervous as if she was from a small southern town instead of a major cosmopolitan city. So it took some cajoling to get her to open up. I told her of stories of work life, love life, black life while peppering her with soft questions to keep her engaged. Finally, she says “I had a luver for six years.  He was much older and I outgrew him.” I wondered why she said outgrew.  Her body language suggested that it was boredom.  “After him”, she continued “I met Manny, a blue collar guy. He had edge. He couldn’t do much on his own, tho.  I took him places and paid for everything. Love the man.  I asked him to move here with me.  He would not.”  I told English that she demasculinized him. She nodded in agreement.  It was clear that English had a rebellious streak and was trying to find herself; she escaped her safety net in London; she left a self-reliant man for a vagabond; she’s adrift right now and that’s ok as her future has many possibilities, but it will not include me.

The Interracial Date with the Jewish Girl…

Whenever I go on a date with a white girl, I generally pop the question “have you ever dated a black guy”?  It generally catches them by surprise.  Some would pause, for a few seconds, before responding.  Others would say does it really matter and I would let it go, knowing full well that a second date was unlikely, because race does matter.  (Stay tuned for a future posting on this point).   And so, I asked Jennifer and she said, “yes.”  “Oh, good” I said, feeling instantly comfortable to speak more freely, without the need for much cultural translation.  Certainly, her prior experience with a black man does not make her knowledgeable of the vast diversity of the culture; but it does suggest that I am less likely to be an experiment; a novelty for the moment.

It’s usually the day after these interracial dates that I begin to question my choice of women; wouldn’t life be much easier and predictable to date someone within my race; not be concerned if the other person gets you.  It would; big life decisions would be influenced by family customs of a singular culture; children would face less confusion about their racial identity.  Many put in motion a series of life routines focused on normalcy – secure employment, good neighborhood and favorite meals.  Most of my married friends and family chose their mates on those terms, and I do not reject them for it but let’s be real: half end in divorce.  Their choices alone did not doom their relationships; it’s the absence of a strong commitment to endure that failed them.  I choose to embrace the challenges of a diverse relationship because it places a burden on me; to make a relationship work despite the odds; to take a hard look at what keeps us together; to reject the notion that we are a good match simply because we share a racial identity.

The night was full of conversation beginning with the professional life summary to the friends in our circles and sizing up the list of leisure activities that entertain us.  She liked sailing, yoga and the theater. Mine were rooftop bars, dance classes and novels.  As for our favorite authors, Jennifer said, “Sedaris, Chabon and Murakami” and I offered “Junot, Zadie, Adichie” and for diversity sake added “Franzen and Wallace” (the Infinite Jest one).  Neither one of us had read each other’s favorite books but we either had a copy or heard of them.  Now that we passed the literacy test, we revisited the interracial subject again.   Jennifer goes on to say, “about half of my past relationships have been with another race….Does that mean I have a type,” she laughed.  I said, “yes” in my deadpan expression as I reflected on my own dating stats,  20% white, 60% Non-American Black, 10% Hispanic or Asian and 5% American Black.  I kept those numbers to myself while Jennifer, fully engaged in defending her family’s reaction to her dating life, continued, “My parents are used to my dating now.  My sister is the long holdout.  Whenever I tell her that I met someone, she would say, ‘let me guess. He’s not Jewish…. and not white, right’? I would reply ‘yes and yes.’  She meant no harm with these questions…just caring for her little sister, that’s all.” Jennifer adds.  Then, she tells me about the major rift she had with the entire family during a long relationship with a Black Muslim from Northern Africa.  A White Jewish woman dating a Black Muslim man…that Jennifer has no fear.

Those who have not dated outside their race or even explored different shades of color other than their own may view this attraction as solely a physical one; the type that’s laced with fetishes and overt sexuality.  Yes,that exists too.  Earlier, in my bad boy days, I hooked up with white women because they looked different; and if they had a small waist and a big ass, it was a fantasy fulfilled.  I have pals who shared with me their “bunny rabbits” stories of sexual exploits,  all porno flick material.  I also know a few West Village SATC types who ventured uptown to the “safe” Ginny’s Supper Club to get their alternative cultural experience.  In all these instances, sex is the equalizer.  However, when dating for the long haul, for a more purposeful objective, despite the racial makeup, the physical attraction is simply the admission ticket; one great performance may get you rave reviews; but the long enduring run requires much more.    I choose to explore outside my race to solely broaden, not limit, my options to find a fulfilling relationship with greater lasting power.  I am willing to forgo the predictability of the known to freely pursue something akin to the feeling that no one else will do – but her.

For a midweek date, I thought two and half hours of continuous conversation with the occasional physical gestures of arm touching and fingers twiddling in the hair was a sign that we hit it off.  I do have some lingering doubts, however, and none relating to race. Jennifer is a few years away from the age where childbirth is risky.  This is definitely a deal breaker since I do see my future family life including a child or two and adoption is not something that I want to do.  The big question is whether to go out on a second date with her when this issue looms over me or move on.  I will have to give this some further thought. In the meantime, I have several other dates (both interracial and within the race) scheduled in the coming days, and I promise myself to be an attentive listener in search of expression that inspires commitment and longevity.

[Feel free to share your thoughts and comments]

Brunch at Isabella’s with My Absentee Father

Over the weekend I had brunch with my ole man; it’s been a while (not by accident) since we last saw each other and so the meal became a three-hour marathon session of catching up.  Our father-son relationship has not … Continue reading

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